Relationships are transient things. I've moved a lot, so few people know this fact better than I do. Even your strongest friendships can fall by the wayside when you don't see each other every day.

This is true in online games, too.

How many people in the world play their games at the same time on the same server every day consistently for an extended period of time? Probably a few. But not most of us.

It's rare that I can make and keep a true online friend. I'm amazed that I still keep in touch with Rod and Kristei, since we haven't played Perfect World together in months.

But you have to get used to the fact that you might meet the most amazing person one day and then never speak to them again. One of you might quit playing or switch characters, or you might just never be on at the same time. Or you might talk to them for a few weeks and then find you have nothing more to say and wander away.

Wow, what a depressing post. Here. Let me make it better:

I'm a noob. A sad noob.

Today is the first day I've ever felt like a total loser while playing an online game.

I've been trying out Dungeons and Dragons Online, and it's been fun, even though it's very different than the games I'm used to. Combat is more difficult and requires more concentration; skills, stats, and leveling up are all WAY more complicated, and the community is... Dungeons and Dragons guys.

This means the chat window is packed full of debate about whether it's better to be a ranger/rogue or a rogue/ranger, etc., and most of it goes straight over my head.

It's possible to do most quests alone, but you can go back with a party and do it on a higher difficulty for more experience and loot. When someone asks you to join a party, it's most likely because they want to do some hardcore experience grinding. That's what these guys tonight were after when they recruited my level 2 paladin, Hausse Heiathan.

I had trouble finding the dungeons. I couldn't figure out how to make my heal kit work, so I couldn't resurrect a guy who had died. I misread my character sheet. About the only thing I could be counted on to do was to flail my sword around wildly and apologize for messing up.

While we were doing one quest on the hardest difficulty possible, 3 of us died and Schmoopy got disconnected. Xade, or whatever his name was, kept shouting for someone to take his soul stone to the resurrection shrine.

Death is so confusing in DDO. I still don't really understand how it works. Apparently when you die your body lies on the ground, a soul stone hovers above this body, and you also turn into a ghost, which can run around for a limited distance.

I ran with my ghost to the resurrection shrine, came back to life, and re-entered the fray.

Oh, guess what? If you leave the room where the boss is, you automatically fail the quest.

"Damn it, Hausse!" said Xade.

I couldn't handle it. I left the squad. Then I signed off. Then I started writing this pathetic blog post about how hurt my feelings are. I can't shake the feeling that people would cut me more slack if I used my female character instead of manly Hausse.

I think I'll go back to playing pretty Asian games where everyone is nice.

Lol.

Nothing is sadder than an emo panda.

Fears: confirmed.

My faction is dead. Utterly moribund. Over the summer it went from around 60 members to around 8. Of those, 4 are either my characters or characters I was building for a friend.

I don't know what happened. There wasn't a change of leadership. Maybe there was just a mass migration to another faction. I don't know.

All I know is that I'm sad.

My triumphant return

Well, I'm back in Savannah, typing this from my awesomely fast computer on my awesomely fast internet. Life is good.

I think I've already established that I'm super weird, but here's even more evidence:

All this summer I've been looking forward to being able to play Perfect World again. Well, I've been in Savannah three days and I still haven't touched the PWI icon on my desktop.

It's not that I haven't thought about it or don't want to. I'm just... scared. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid everything will be different, or my faction will have kicked me out, or everyone will be 60 levels higher than me and not want anything to do with me.

I'm being silly. I can make new friends. I can figure this out.

Being shy and paranoid in real life is bad enough... being shy and paranoid in a game is worse.

Apologies and excuses

I've wronged you, dear Readers, and I'm sorry. I haven't been posting for a while, but I have several reasons:

• I'm nearing the end of this quarter in school, so I have about a million things to read, write, and study for.
• I also have to pack up nearly all my earthly belongings for storage or transport home to Tennessee for the summer.
• I've been helping various friends with time-consuming projects, including dressing up as Pippi Longstocking.
• I've been feeling self-conscious about my blog. One of my classmates expressed dislike for the subject. She wasn't nasty about it, but I still feel like I'm back in high school being teased by the popular girls.
• And, finally, I'm lazy.

There is hope, though! It's looking like my friends Kristei and Tokada are going to start writing guest posts before too long. So, hopefully, even if I stay busy and can't update very often, there will still be updates.

Until then, here's a flat-color drawing I did of my characters, Meirizhu and Siloam. It was going to be my avatar for my faction's forum, but it didn't shrink well.

Falling down on the job

I'm sorry, guys. But I tried. I really did try to find something interesting to blog about, since it's been a few days since the last post.

(No ragging on my artwork. I did it in like 5 minutes)

Unfortunately nobody has done anything amusing, and I myself have been in a state of ennui for the past few days.

Managing Rodneye's and Kristei's characters is nowhere near as much fun as hanging out with them. My faction's been pretty quiet. I haven't made any new friends.

Worst of all, I've been feeling insecure! In an online game, with characters I designed myself specifically to be appealing and attractive! It's getting harder for me to forget what I am in real life, and harder to remember that I can be whatever I want in the game.

Whatever I want, that is, except confident.

What do you say?

What do you say when somebody asks you if you're as pretty in real life as you are in the game? Really? What do you say? I know this guy was only trying to pay me a compliment, but actually it made me feel kind of crappy. I designed Meirizhu to be an idealized version of myself. Me, only pretty.

So no. I'm not as pretty in real life. I'm skinny and redheaded but the similarities end there. She has flawless skin and decent boobs and she's tall. I'm shrimpy and boyish-looking and I have acne. I'm not saying no one has ever told me I'm pretty. But come on. I probably wouldn't be playing this game if I thought I was gorgeous. I'd be off... being sexy, or something... I don't know.

Well, there ya have it, boys. Enjoy Meirizhu and Siloam for what they are and not for what they represent.

"Blue_Wind wants to carry you. Accept?"

Here's a little event that happened a while ago, but it's relevant to the way I'm feeling right now.

It was probably only the first or second day that I'd been playing as Meirizhu. At any rate, I was at a low level. I was hanging out in Plume, the lovely city of the elves, when I received a notice:

“Blue_Wind wants to carry you. Do you accept? Yes/No”

I'd never gotten a notice like this. Duurrrrrrr, I wonder what that means, I thought, and pressed “yes.”

Next thing I knew I was in the arms of a handsome young archer, my booted feet dangling.

“Hi,” Blue Wind whispered.

So this is what it means to be carried, I thought. Why didn't I guess? I found out later that carrying someone or being carried fills up your chi gauge, which allows you to execute special techniques. Therefore it's not uncommon for male characters to ask random female passersby for “a chi spark,” though usually they have other motives that are less pragmatic.

I don't know about chi sparks at the time, so I didn't know if that's what Blue Wind was after, but he quite gallantly asked if I needed help with any quests.

I thought about my current quarry, cactopods, which usually died after two hits, and rolled my eyes. Chauvinist pig.

“No, I'm all right,” is what I actually said. And then, I went on: “Thank you, though. Quite chivalrous.” And I politely asked him to set me down.

At the time, I was slightly miffed. The nerve of him, scooping me up and then patronizing me! But later on I began to melt. It was still less than a week since my boyfriend of a year and a half had dumped me, and I was stressing out about school, too, considering switching majors. I felt overwhelmed and very, very alone. I think some part of me actually wanted someone to drop out of the sky, pick me up, and offer to help me with anything I needed.

And that's kind of what I want right now.

Just for the record...

...I don't particularly like being a scary androgynous bitch.

I had a good system going with Liulen. She was a persona I assumed well. While playing as Liulen, I am delicate, friendly, and feminine, despite the plate armor and gigantic sword.

Recently I met a fascinating wizard. With his linguistic acrobatics, bizarre sense of humor, and awkwardly chauvinist pick-up techniques he reminds me strongly of one of my ex-boyfriends. Maybe it was because I felt I already knew him that I found myself being more honest with this wizard than with anyone else I talk to on Perfect World. Thus it was that Liulen turned into an aggressive, castrating, sarcastic grammar nazi... in other words, me on a bad day.

His shtick is asking girls if they want to ride on his flying sword. (He does actually have one; the flying swords are kind of cool.) Today he asked me, "Hey, are you a girl? If so, want a ride on my sword?" This pissed me off beyond reason. I've thought it odd that people usually assume players in PWI are actually the gender of their character. Well, here was someone not making that blind assumption. Good for him, right?

The thing was, I'd been talking to this guy for a while, and he still didn't fully believe I was a girl. But that's ok, too, right? Gender shouldn't really matter in a world where players make no physical contact with each other.

I guess I might still be bitter from the time I got my hair cut like Bruce Lee's and everyone kept calling me "sir."

Eventually he excused himself, citing faction business as his reason. I ran into him later in the city chatting with a Venomancer. Fully aware of the awkwardness of the situation, he said, "Holy shit... uhh, want to ride my sword, Liulen?"